Say what you want about turning 30, 40
or 50. I think the most depressing milestone in a man's life is when he buys his first bag
of mulch.
I resisted the temptation to buy mulch for a long time. I'd drive by those big
nursery-garden supermarkets and laugh at the people loading their cars with fat bags of
redwood bark.
Not me, I'd say. You'll never catch me buying mulch.
But it happens. Little by little you find yourself becoming one with the shredded-bark
people.
First you buy those little black-plastic pots of shrubbery that have names like intestinal
disorders: odontonema, graptophyllum, platycladum.
Then you plant them on the side of the house that has fertile, well-drained soil and
allows them to get plenty of sunshine.
Unfortunately, it is also the side of the house where the shrubs are most likely to
contract Dying Plant Syndrome (DPS).
Once you allow yourself to get concerned about DPS, you are well on your way to mulch
ownership.
Plant guilt happens. You start blaming yourself for the deceased state of your shrubbery
and vow never to let it happen again.
So you go out and buy $369.85 worth of fertilizers, insecticides, fungicides, herbicides,
homicides, sprayers, spritzers, spades, trowels, pruners, loppers, gougers and tweakers in
order to keep alive some puny bushes that you got on sale three for $5.
And, of course, the plants still die.
At this point, you take the sight of a
brown, wilted plant as a personal affront. You have invested too much time, energy and
money - especially money - in this project to fail now.
You are committed and, if your spouse knew what was coming, you would be.
You decide that the reason your plants are dying is that you have planted them in inferior
dirt.
Never mind that your county's inferior dirt gives rise to some of the most abundant
vegetation on earth. Your broxolillium's droop can only be cured by new dirt.
So you go to NurseryWorld and purchase - is America a great country, or what? - a bag of
dirt. Paying good money for dirt (contrary to the cliche, dirt is not dirt cheap) is not
the worst ignominy.
And if you want really top-drawer dirt, you need to supplement it with some of that stuff
that emanates from cows. (I am not referring to milk here, folks.)
Because this is still America, you can find this substance in bagged form right next to
the dirt.
Note the location of the mulch at this point. It will save you time later.
Your fortified dirt in place, you can now stand back and watch your shrubs flourish.
Better yet, stand back and watch the weeds flourish.
Nothing makes a weed happier than a fresh bed of designer dirt. They will come from miles
away just to wriggle their little tendrils in it.
You now have come full circle. After emptying your bank account to make things grow, you
must now spend more money to stop things from growing. You are now ready for mulch.
As you haul your first trunkful home from NurseryWorld, take heart. After this, birthdays
are a piece of cake.
